In Which Naruto Breaks the Universe
by Drindrak
Summary: Mere minutes after the Kyuubi's sealing, baby Naruto disappears. 12 years later, a whiskered blond boy literally crashes through the walls of reality, right onto the Fourth Hokage. Crack. Major AU. T for swearing and innuendo.
1. It's Noble, Not Namikaze

**A/N: This is written in short scenes in chronological order. And before anyone asks, yes, Naruto is wearing Crocs. Bright green Crocs. Also, some relevant info for this story (as I don't think it'll go past the chunin exams): both Kushina and Minato are alive, Rin is alive, everyone knows Obito is alive and is reluctantly working for Madara and making half-assed attempts to capture Bijuu while attending regular dinners in Konoha with his team, the Akatsuki are just mercs for hire, and this is a non-massacre fic.**

 **Anyway, Naruto was raised by a rich family in our world. That's right, Naruto's a rich kid who makes far, far too many sexual innuendos. Enjoy.**

* * *

Minato Namikaze was sitting in his office, doing some paperwork, when the boy burst out of nowhere and slammed into him. The boy groaned and staggered back, hand pressing against his forehead, eyes squeezed shut in pain. Minato let his gaze rove over the boy, taking in his tanned skin, wild blond hair, and his clothes: an expensive looking blue tracksuit top and orange slacks, alongside an odd pair of bright green sandals. Really, why bright green? And the many holes in the top, that couldn't be practical. The boy groaned again.

"Dattebayo, who invented bloody rollercoasters?" He grumbled, opening his eyes, revealing a bright blue. He blinked and looked around. "Wait, where the hell am I?" He looked to Minato, who was staring at him. "Who are you?" Minato narrowed his eyes.

"Who are _you,_ boy?" The boy grinned, and Minato caught sight of three distinct whisker marks on each of his cheeks. Marks that he'd last seen twelve years ago, on his son, his baby boy Naru-

"My name's Naruto, Naruto Noble!" Minato's brain stalled.

* * *

"You're my son, according to this blood test, so your last name's Namikaze."

"No I'm not and no, my last name's Noble!"

"It's Namikaze!"

"It's Noble!"

"Namikaze!"

"NOBLE!"

* * *

"Who's the hot chick with the flaming red hair?" Naruto asked, grinning slyly, almost leering, at Kushina, who was walking towards them, a young, orange-haired boy at her heels. Minato choked.

"That's your mother!"

"WHAT?!"

* * *

The orange-haired eight year old scrunched up his nose, his violet eyes narrowing and the two odd whisker-like marks on his face moving with the motion. Naruto raised a brow and, turning to his new-found biological father, gestured to the boy.

"Who's the brat?" Minato smiled and patted the orange-haired boy's head.

"This is your brother, Menma." Naruto blinked.

"That's a stupid name." Menma glared.

"Your name's stupid!"

* * *

The first thing Naruto Noble (he'd refused to go by Namikaze) said to his Academy class was, after an entire minute of silence,

"Who's that cutie-patootie with the pink hair down to her booty?" Every head in the class swiveled to the blushing pink-haired girl. Iruka sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait, wait a bloody minute!" Naruto shouted, interrupting Iruka's lecture on the more practical uses of the Clone Jutsu. "You're all ninjas with fucking superpowers?!"

* * *

"HOLY SHIT I'M A NINJA!" Naruto shouted, as he hopped across rooftops, having just acessed his chakra for the first time. "HOLY FUCK I HAVE SUPERPOWERS!"

* * *

"Clone Jutsu!" Naruto placed his hands into the required seals, and a puff of smoke appeared next to him. It cleared after a moment, revealing a horrifically useless clone that seemed to be melting. Naruto blinked at it. He scowled down at his hands. "That was terrible. I suck! I never suck!" Kushina, who had been struggling not to burst out laughing, approached.

"Just," She giggled, repositioning his hands, correcting his ram seal. "just use a bit more chakra and picture more than one clone." Naruto frowned and summoned up as much chakra as he could. Kushina's eyes widened. "No, wait, that's too mu-"

"CLONE JUTSU!"

* * *

"He used about a tails worth of chakra, there were thousands of him."

"So he-"

"Yeah."

"And they're-"

"Real bodies. He figured out the Shadow Clone Jutsu without even trying."

"...great."

* * *

"To graduate, you simply need to show us you can preform the Clone Jutsu." Iruka said, shuffling a set of papers. Naruto beamed widely at him.

"I just mastered that technique last night! Watch!" He pressed his hands together in what looked like a ram seal, and charged up as much chakra as he could.

"Wait, Naruto, wait! That's too much-"

"CLONE JUTSU!"

* * *

"So, like, I passed." Naruto said. Minato sighed and glanced out his window.

"I've noticed." The entirety of Konoha was covered in blond haired, blue-and-orange wearing boys.

* * *

"Next, Team Seven! Naruto Noble!" Naruto perked up. "Sakura Haruno!" He grinned at the pink-haired girl. "and Sasuke Uchiha!" He whooped in joy.

"Yeah! I get both the hottest chick and the sexiest dude!"

* * *

"So, ah, Sasuke, was it?" Naruto asked, sliding over a few seats to sit beside his new teammate.

"Hn."

"Imma take that as a _yes._ " Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you, uh, wanna go get some lunch? Together?" Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"...as teammates?" He asked and Naruto shrugged.

"Sure, whatever floats ya boat."

"Whatever floats my boat? I don't own a boat."

"It's a figure of speech."

* * *

Kakashi sat on the railing of the roof, watching his new students curiously. The girl of the team sat between her two teammates, and seemed to be holding in giggles. The Uchiha was glaring at the ground, cheeks flushed red. His sensei's long-lost son was smirking and brushing imaginary lint off his shoulders.

"Alright," Kakashi started, drawing the Genin's attention. "introduce yourselves."

"You can go first, old man." His sensei's son said and Kakashi felt his eye twitch.

"My name is Kakashi Hatake. My likes are a little too mature for you right now, and I have many things I dislike. I also have dreams. Almost every night. You, Uchiha, go first." Sasuke straightened.

"I am Sasuke Uchiha. I like my brother and my clan. I dislike a lot of things. My dream for the future is to surpass my brother."

"Cool. Pinkie, your turn."

"My name's Sakura Haruno. I like..." She glanced between the two boys. "err, I mean, well," She blushed. "I hate my rival, Ino! And my dream for the future is, uh," She once again glanced between the two boys and fidgeted. "...yeah."

"O...kay...? Blondie, go!"

"Naruto Noble's the name and being sexy is the game." He winked at Sasuke, who's cheeks reddened further. "I like many things including, but not limited to, the Internet, my smart phone, Sakura here," A wink was thrown at the girl this time. "Sasuke there," Another wink at Sasuke. "my brother Menma, and ramen. I dislike people who keep calling me by Namikaze, the fact that there's no WiFi here, and I hate rollercoasters with a passion. My dream is to find an appropriate outlet so I can charge my phone. I haven't played Candy Crush in _two days,_ and I haven't checked my messages in three. My other parents are probably worried sick."

"I... see." Kakashi said, eye twitching. _'What is a "smart phone" and a "Candy Crush"?'_

* * *

"Well, not to say this isn't kinky," Naruto started, straining a bit against the ropes tying him to the log, and Kakashi choked on air. "but I don't like you like that." He turned to Sakura. "You can tie me up whenever you want, Sakura." He paused and looked to Sasuke. "You too, Sasuke." He added as an afterthought.

* * *

"Sensei..." Kakashi started, his visible eye narrowing at the amused blond man. "Your son is an absolute devil."

"I've noticed."

"No. I mean it. He's evil."

"I've _noticed._ "

* * *

"This is not a job for a ninja." Naruto grumbled, scowling at the weeds before him.

"It's a D-Rank mission, it's what all Genin do." Kakashi said, flipping a page in his book.

"Look, Kaka-dude, I've never had to do anything like this in my _life._ " Naruto said. "My other parents paid people to do all this shit for me."

* * *

A paint-splattered Kakashi leaned forward on the Hokage's desk, his eye narrowing at his sensei. Minato bit his lip to supress his laughter.

"Minato-sensei, I demand a C-Rank mission. Naruto is a complete ass-"

"That's my son, Kakashi."

"HE'S A COMPLETE DEVIL CHILD!" Naruto, who was standing a few feet behind Kakashi with his team frowned.

"I can hear you, dattebayo."

* * *

"Oh great," Naruto started, as the drunken bridge builder stepped into the room. "Our first real mission is to protect a drunk." The drunk glared at the three Genin.

"Th-Thish ish mah proteshion?" He slurred, nearly incomprehensibly. Minato nodded happily.

"Yes, don't worry, Kakashi-kun here is a Jounin and one of the kids is my son!" The drunk scoffed.

"Sho? He prob-ly shucks assh." Naruto raised a brow and turned to Sasuke.

"How'd he know that?" He stage-whispered and Sasuke blushed bright red, Sakura as well. Kakashi sighed.

"Dammit Naruto."


	2. In Which There Are Sexy Missing-nin

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. I dunno, I don't think I'll continue this past chapter 3, which pretty much has the entirety of the chunin exams in it.**

Chapter 2: In Which There Are Sexy Missing Nin

* * *

"Oh my gawd..." Naruto groaned. "We've been walking for _hours._ " Kakashi rolled his eyes.

"Naruto, we haven't even left Konoha yet." The blond groaned again.

" _Gaaaaawd."_

* * *

"Sasuke, if you carry me, I swear, I'll get my new dad to teach you a jutsu."

"Sasuke, don't listen to him."

"Sakura, if you-"

" _No._ "

* * *

" _Geeeeeeeeeeeeezuuuuuuusss._ " Naruto groaned, lagging a bit behind his team. "It's been _hours!_ " Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Naruto, it's been fifteen minutes."

" _Fuuuuuck..._ "

* * *

Naruto wheezed as he fell to the ground, making the team come to a halt. "I've never walked for this long before!" Sakura frowned.

"How have you never walked longer than twenty minutes before?" Naruto glared up at her through his sweat-drenched bangs.

"Sakura, I've never had to walk anywhere before. I had servants do it for me."

* * *

In the end, Kakashi ended up carrying Naruto piggy-back style after the blond almost passed out after another ten minutes of walking.

* * *

"Oh my, a puddle, on this hot as fuck day?" Naruto mumbled, staring at the puddle over Kakashi's shoulder. "How suspicious. Oi, Kakashi, lemme down." Kakashi dropped the blond, who landed with a harsh thud on his back. "Ow! Dick, you didn't have to drop me!" Kakashi rolled his eyes.

"Naruto, puddle, suspicious?" He gestured to the puddle. Naruto groaned and shakily stood.

"Fuck, my limbs are all hurting, what is this? This is horrible! How do you put up with this?!"

"It's natural, that just means you've had a good workout."

"Ugh, exercise!" Naruto whined and flopped back onto the ground, hands digging through his backpack. "Geez, I need a drink... look, a harmless piece of paper!" He pulled out a slim piece of paper, spiked his chakra into it, and flung it into the puddle. He then got out a canteen full of water and chugged down half of it. "Ah, that hit the spot!" He grinned, and then the puddle exploded, sending water and blood everywhere. Naruto leaned back and looked at the destruction. "Oh no, was that paper not harmless? My bad."

* * *

Naruto whistled appreciatively, and, turning to bump shoulders with Sakura and gesturing to Zabuza, said,

"Dayum, he sexy!"

* * *

"This is the most intense thing I've ever seen!" Naruto shouted, happily rocking on his heels as he watched Zabuza and Kakashi stare at each other from atop the lake. "Look at them just _stare_ at each other!" Zabuza's gaze flickered to Naruto, who squealed, "Oh my god! Sakura! Sexy-man looked at me!" Sakura palmed her face, as did Sasuke.

* * *

"Aw! You killed sexy-man!" Naruto whined as the hunter-nin leaped from the trees. The hunter-nin looked at him, and then at Kakashi, and then turned back to Naruto.

"I'm sorry…?"

* * *

Naruto's eyes widened as Kakashi talked. After the older man finished he squealed loudly and hugged Sasuke to his chest, spinning the two of them around happily.

"OH EM GEE! Sexy-man is alive! YAAAAASSSSS!"

* * *

Naruto glared at the two thugs blocking his way out of Tazuna's house. Of course, the one day his sensei indulged his need to sleep in was the day that sexy missing-nin attacked the bridge. And these two stupid assholes were blocking his way.

"Hey brat! Prepare to die!" One of them shouted and Naruto scowled.

"Geez, talk about cliché. How about I don't?" He said, before about hundred of him came rushing from all over at the thugs. The battle was over in seconds, and the thugs were knocked out and tied up tightly. Naruto huffed. "If I get to the bridge and sexy-man is already gone, I'm coming back to kill you!" He growled before leaping off into the trees.

* * *

"SEXY-MAN!" Naruto squealed happily as he touched down on the bridge. Zabuza groaned and glared at Kakashi.

"I thought you said he was still sleeping!" Kakashi shrugged.

"Usually he still is."

* * *

"...and that's why you should come to Konoha with us." Zabuza stared at the blond boy.

"You didn't even give a reason. You just said 'and that's why you should come to Konoha with us.'" Naruto frowned.

"I didn't? Oh." He shrugged. "What's the downside?" Zabuza opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't come up with a reason other than _'I'm a missing-nin.'_ After a moment of silence, Naruto grinned. "So it's decided then!"

* * *

"Oh. My. God." Naruto breathed out, staring at the recently unmasked Haku. "You're gorgeous." Haku blushed a bit.

"Thank you."

"Honey, I'd thank you all night long." Haku blinked.

"Wait, what?"

* * *

"LEFT! RIGHT! DUCK!" Naruto shouted, unhelpfully. Zabuza felt his brow twitch as he slashed through another thug hired by Gato. "GO SEXY-MAN GO!" Zabuza growled and slammed the side of his blade into an oncoming group of thugs. "YOU DID IT!" Zabuza turned to the grinning blond boy.

"SHUT THE HELL UP BRAT!"

* * *

"You should totes magotes name it 'The Amazingly Awesome Naruto Bridge'!" Naruto said, a day after Tazuna finished his bridge. He, his team, his sensei, and his new sexy ass friends stood before the group of Wave villagers, about to head home to Konoha. Tazuna shook his head.

"Nah, that sounds too..."

"Awesome?"

"Yeah, sure. I was thinking we name it after the guy who cut Gato's head off." He turned to Zabuza. "Do you mind if we call it the 'Great Zabuza Bridge'?" Zabuza blinked.

"Well..." His eyes flicked to the side. "how about the 'Haku Bridge'." Tazuna nodded happily.

"That's even better!" He turned to the villagers. "May I present, the _Haku Bridge_!"

* * *

Minato's brow twitched as he stared into his son's pleading eyes. After another minute of staring, he sighed and ran a hand down his face.

"Alright, alright! They can stay."

"YEAH!" Naruto fistpumped as Minato filled out a few forms. The elder blond then handed two Konoha forehead protectors to Zabuza.

"Please, don't destroy any property or kill any citizens. You're now officially Konoha ninja."

* * *

"I'm home and I brought the sexiness!" Naruto announced as he, Zabuza, Haku, and Kakashi walked into his family home. Kushina poked her head out from the kitchen and smiled.

"Oh, Naruto, Kakashi, you're just in time! Obito and Rin have already arrived. Everyone's in the dining room." She then returned to the kitchen to finish making food. Zabuza and Haku shared a look and shrugged.

"-and then, Kaka-dude here was like 'RAIKIRI BITCH!' and sexy-man was all like 'imma cut you with my blade motherfucker' and Haku-babe was just chillin' and killin' with ice. And then we came home." Everyone stared silently at Naruto, who had jut finished explaining their latest mission. After a moment, Obito began giggling. Kushina smacked him on the back of his head.

"And what is so funny about my son almost dying?" Obito giggled again.

"I-It-" He sucked in a calming breath. "Kaka-dude and Haku-babe! He called a notorious missing-nin sexy-man the entire time!" Obito laughed, and Rin quietly giggled in her seat. Minato let out a chuckle.

"It was kind of a funny story, Kushina." Kushina laughed a bit.

"Yeah, I guess." At that, Menma piped up with,

"Mom, what's a motherfucker?" Kushina's brow twitched. Naruto wisely left through the dining room window.

"NARUTO!"


End file.
